Dateline: Westminster, London, Friday 5th April 2019
With the emergency repair works to fix the serious roof leak in the Houses of Parliament proceeding, it would appear there's been a blip in the security of the place as you may have seen a tweet from our Glorious Leader that a pandemonium (apparently that's the correct collective term for a group of these blessed creatures) of parakeets has taken up residence within the House of Commons no less.
It's been quite difficult to gauge numbers of these feathered invaders but officials and MPs who have bravely ventured into the chamber believe that there are upwards of 40 of these birds careering wildly about the place making an unholy racket. It is thought the parakeets got in when one of the large windows in the building was left open for a while.
A number of people who have seen these parakeets have noted that these birds are decked out in a coloured plumage of red, white and blue with a design akin to the Union Flag and furthermore. these birds have been heard 'speaking' English using a weird mix of a cut glass accent laced with what sounds like Yorkshire slang - according to some reports.
These parakeets have also been observed to be well clued-up on Brexit and are given to squawking out slogans and expletives in connection with Brexit unfortunately using the most profane language of a richly textured kind - I would not wish to cause any offence by repeating here some of the obscenities that have been made but I'm sure one's imagination can fill in the gaps as it were.
News sources - in whom I have complete trust of course - surmise that it is conceivable that these parakeets were domestic pets of a UK government minister or well-known Tory MP and have escaped captivity.
Suspicions are now being aroused that these parakeets escaped from the home of a bespectacled public figure with impeccable finesse and mode of speech to match his élite Eton education who is always smartly dressed in Savile Row suits albeit in the fashion of half a century ago as some of the birds have been heard to squawk the following which I am happy to quote here as being less offensive,
"Ee upp, Jacob lad, you've been stitched up by the mardy Maybot!" and "Ee upp, Jacob there's nowt in this Brexit blethering" and "It's a stitch up, ee upp it's a stitch up!" and even, "Ee upp, Maybot is a wazzock, Maybot is a wazzock, lad".
And also, "Aye, Reez-Mugg forever, aye Reez-Mugg for PM ee by gum" - although the parakeets seem to have something of a pronunciation hiccup with names but the real puzzler is where the parakeets' fluency in Yorkshire dialect has sprung from.
If indeed these birds have escaped from their place of residence supposedly from this well-known conservative Conservative as surmised above, it is now a challenge for the parliamentary authorities as to how this problem will be resolved and the parakeets returned to their rightful owner.
If I receive any further reports on these pesky caterwauling parakeets I will be in touch as I thought you should be kept reliably informed of developments.